There was never really a time in my life where addiction wasn’t around me. I was born into a family shaped by addiction, self-destruction, lies, anger, and survival. Drugs were normal in my world from the beginning. My mom was a drug dealer, and addiction surrounded me on every side. By the time I was fourteen, I had already started using myself.
That was my “40.”
For years, I lived believing I had control over it. But addiction slowly stole everything from me—my peace, my identity, my relationships. I lied to the people I loved most. I drained my family financially trying to feed my addiction. I hurt my husband and my daughters more than I realized at the time. On the outside, I tried to function like everything was okay, but internally I was drowning in fear, anxiety, self-hatred, and heartbreak.
I got sober once after moving to Florida in 2013, but eventually I slipped back into old patterns with new people and new addictions. In 2018, I wrecked three cars in one year and maxed out a $10,000 credit card. I even spent three months away from my family in Colorado trying to get sober again. Every time I thought I had things under control, addiction found another way back in.
Then in 2023, alcohol took over my life, and I finally checked myself into a rehab facility for forty days.
And that’s where everything started to change.
Every morning, one counselor offered a Bible study. Out of thirty-six people, only a few of us showed up consistently. But in those mornings, I felt God truly begin to take hold of my heart. For the first time, I stopped just hearing about Him and started believing He could actually change me.
I realized I wasn’t meant to serve addiction, myself, or the world. I was meant to serve God.
Since then, everything has changed. My heart has softened. I understand grace now because I’ve received so much of it. I still battle struggles, but I no longer fight alone. God has brought peace into my heart and mind. I finally see value in myself the way He created me.
I feel alive now. Hopeful. Free.
I am a walking testimony that there is still hope.
If you’re still in your “40,” don’t give up on yourself. Forgive yourself daily and keep moving forward. No matter how far gone you think you are, it is never too late to let go and let God lead you. He already has a path prepared for you—you just have to walk it with Him.