I didn’t grow up with a real foundation of faith. We celebrated holidays, but I didn’t know God personally. I always believed there was something bigger, that everything was connected somehow, but I didn’t know what that meant for me. At the same time, growing up with very little created something in me—a desire to have more. Over time, that desire turned into a mindset where I felt justified in taking what I didn’t have or chasing whatever I thought would fill that gap.
That was my “40.”
It felt like I was always chasing something. Even when I got what I wanted, it didn’t last. There was no real peace, just a constant need for more. From a young age, I crossed lines. I stole—from strangers, from places, even from people I cared about. It started small, but it reflected something deeper. I didn’t really understand what was mine and what wasn’t, and I justified it because of what I felt I lacked.
As I got older, the behavior changed, but the heart didn’t. I stopped stealing in obvious ways, but I still struggled with wanting more, comparing myself to others, and feeling like I deserved things. Even when I did something good, it was often tied to how it made me feel or what I gained from it. On the outside, I was building a life, but internally there was still a gap I couldn’t fill.
The turning point came when I realized that nothing I was chasing was actually satisfying me. I had worked, built, and gained things, but the emptiness was still there. That’s when I started to see the issue wasn’t what I lacked—it was what I was missing.
Through learning about Jesus and what He had done for me, I experienced something different. It wasn’t just about changing behavior. It was about my heart. I began to understand that the gap I had been trying to fill my whole life wasn’t material—it was spiritual.
Now, my “41” looks completely different. My life isn’t driven by what I can get anymore, but by what I’ve already been given. I’m learning to give, even when it costs me. And while it might look like I’m losing in those moments, I’ve actually gained something I never had before—peace, purpose, and a real understanding of what it means to love others.
Looking back, I can see that I thought I needed more, but what I really needed was God.
If you’re still in your “40,” I’d tell you this—whatever you’re chasing won’t satisfy you the way you think it will. If something feels missing, don’t ignore it. Be open to God. You don’t have to have it all figured out, but if you’re willing to seek Him honestly, it can change everything. What you’re looking for isn’t found in things. It’s found in Him.