My “40” has been the pain of watching my son choose a path I know is not God’s plan, and if I’m honest, I am still walking through it. This story isn’t one where everything has resolved neatly. It is a story of waiting, pleading, and learning to trust God in the middle of unanswered prayer.
There have been days filled with anger, and others filled with deep sorrow. At times it has felt like grieving someone I haven’t physically lost, but whose presence in our family has been deeply altered. I have wrestled with thoughts I know are not from God, thoughts that tell me to lose hope, that maybe God has given up on him. Even when I know that isn’t true, the battle in my mind can be real.
That has been my “40.”
But something began to shift when I realized I had a choice. I could stay in self-pity, blame, and shame, or I could keep living and trust God to do what only God can do.
I chose to place my son in God’s hands.
And in that surrender, I began to see God’s faithfulness in ways I might have missed before. He sent people to listen, pray, and carry this burden with me. He strengthened my faith. He deepened my relationship with my daughter as we grieved together. He even used this pain to help me give more of myself to others, especially the children I teach.
What changed most was me.
The circumstance has not fully changed, but my heart has. I have peace, even while I still struggle. I have learned that control was never mine to carry.
Sometimes “41” is not the absence of pain, but the presence of peace in the middle of it.
I think I am living a perpetual “41”—still waiting, but waiting with hope.
If you are still in your “40,” keep believing, keep praying, keep obeying, and keep living. Don’t let your season stop your life. Stay in the Word. Stay close to God’s people. Turn over what you cannot control. God is still working, even in the waiting.