For most of my life, I felt like I was always in my “40.” I grew up going to church, but none of it ever really stuck. I didn’t believe in God, and if I’m honest, I thought it was just a waste of time. Because of that, I carried a fear with me constantly—the fear of death. The idea that life could just end and there was nothing after it unsettled me more than I wanted to admit. I avoided funerals because I couldn’t handle the thought that people I loved were just gone.
That was my “40.”
What didn’t make sense was how I lived during that time. Even though I feared death, I lived recklessly. I drank heavily almost every day. I drove drunk. I drove fast for no reason. Looking back, I was almost daring death, even while being terrified of it. There were so many moments that could have ended differently.
Things began to shift when I got married and had kids. When my son was born, something in me changed. I didn’t want him to grow up seeing his dad come home drunk or wondering why I lived the way I did. That realization pushed me to get sober.
Years later, I started to look back on my life differently. All the moments where I should have been hurt—or worse—somehow turned out okay. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. It pointed me to something bigger, to someone who had been watching over me the entire time.
In 2015, I hit another turning point. I was miserable in my job and knew I didn’t want that life anymore. Out of nowhere, I asked my wife if she wanted to move to Florida. It felt random, but it also felt right. Leaving everything behind was easier than I expected.
It took years after that for things to really come together, but eventually we found a church. And for the first time, it wasn’t just routine—it was real. Being part of that community changed me. I’m different now. I’m happier, more open, more at peace. The fear of death that followed me my whole life is gone because I have given my life to God. My purpose and hope now is to make sure the rest of my family finds God.
Looking back, I can see that even when I wasn’t looking for God, He was looking out for me. I wouldn't be here today if He wasn't keeping me safe.
If you’re still in your “40,” just keep going. You may not see the end of it yet, but it’s coming. Don’t give up before you find out why you’re here. We'll all find our purpose, it's just a matter of time.